Calming a Dysregulated Child: The “Regulate, Relate, and Reason” Approach

Dysregulation can happen for a variety of reasons with our kids. We can never know exactly what’s going on inside of them, but in general, when they are dysregulated, it means that the demands are greater than our child’s capacity to cope.

At Developmental Pathways for Kids, a pediatric clinic in Redwood City, California, we typically recommend 3 simple steps to help parents understand how to calm their dysregulated child.

The “Regulate, Relate, and Reason” approach involves 3 steps aimed at addressing the child’s emotional state, connecting with them, and then reasoning through the situation.

Here’s a breakdown of each step:

1. Regulate
   • Stay Calm: Maintain your own composure to set a calming tone for the child. Your calm presence can help soothe their heightened emotions.
   • Provide a Safe Environment: Ensure the child feels physically and emotionally safe. Remove any immediate stressors if possible.
   • Use Soothing Techniques: Engage the child in calming activities such as deep breathing, listening to calming music, or holding a comforting object. Techniques like counseling, gentle touch, rocking, or speaking in a soft, reassuring voice can help.
   • Monitor and Adjust: Observe the child’s responses and adjust your approach as needed. Some children may need more physical comfort, while others may need space.
2. Relate
   • Connect with Empathy: Show empathy and understanding of the child’s feelings. Acknowledge their emotions without judgment. Phrases like “I see you’re feeling very upset” can be validating.
   • Be Present: Get down to their eye level and make gentle eye contact if appropriate. Your physical presence and focused attention can provide reassurance.
   • Offer Support: Let the child know you are there to help. Use a calm, soothing voice and offer gentle physical reassurance if they are receptive (like a hand on the shoulder or a hug).
   • Mirror Emotions: Reflect back the child’s emotions. For instance, “It looks like you’re feeling really angry because you can’t play with your toy right now.”
3. Reason
   • Wait for Calm: Only move to this step once the child is regulated and connected with you. Trying to reason with a dysregulated child can be ineffective and frustrating for both of you.
   • Discuss the Situation: Once the child is calm, help them understand what happened. Discuss the situation in simple, clear terms. “You got upset because we had to leave the playground.”
   • Problem-Solve Together: Collaborate with the child to find solutions or alternatives. Encourage them to think of ways to handle similar situations in the future. “Next time, how can we handle it when it’s time to leave the playground?”
   • Teach Coping Strategies: Help the child develop coping skills for managing their emotions. This can include deep breathing exercises, counting to ten, or using words to express feelings.

Tips for Success

• Consistency: Use this approach consistently to help the child learn what to expect and how to respond.
• Patience: Be patient and give the child time to calm down. Rushing through the steps can be counterproductive.
• Tailor to the Child: As a provider of pediatric therapy in California, we suggest you adjust your techniques based on the child’s age, personality, and specific needs. What works for one child might not work for another.

By following these steps, you can help a dysregulated child regain their composure, feel understood and supported, and develop the skills to manage their emotions more effectively in the future. If you need more help or reliable pediatric therapy services in California, contact us at Developmental Pathways for Kids.